BIO SAYS MUST LOVE [insert any animal here]

Yes I’m that girl! I’m just not an animal lover, never have been and very much doubt I ever will be, so if I can instantly tell from your bio, which is usually accompanied by an array of photos of you and fluffy, then I’m going to swipe left because the relationship would sink quicker than a dingy with a hole in it.

THE COMPLAINER

*Says the girl writing a post about why she says no to people! But you know the ones I mean, no sooner have you read their name and they’re off on a tirade of all the things they don’t have time for. Things like I hate girls that pout or don’t swipe right on me if you have Snapchat filters on your photos, and yet if I swipe right for the bants despite definitely having at least one filter picture in there I’ll get a match. The best one is I hate time wasters, after I split up with an ex I came across him on Bumble and he had the cheek to put that in his bio when he is literally the biggest time waster in the world!

EVERY PICTURE IS WITH A GIRL

Am I supposed to be super impressed that you apparently don’t have a single male friend and are surrounded by women, because guaranteed you don’t speak to half of them or that’s also the photo you’ve just posted in the 10 year challenge when you thought you was a stud. I’m not interested on being another blurred face in that crowded photo and it looks like you have enough attention that you don’t need me mate so no thanks.

THE SHOW OFF

I’ve just got bought a brand new BMW. That photo is taken in my private jet. Here’s me lifting 10 million in weights in the gym. Sorry all I’m wondering is if you’ve got this incredible lifestyle that you clearly need to show off to the world then what you doing on Bumble mate? And when they also list their dream woman as basically a life size Barbie doll I’m not even wasting my time trying to hit them up for their pin (who doesn’t like a little treat here and there) because they won’t be swiping on my chunky ginger self.

THE WANNABE PORN STAR

Do you own any t-shirts? Do you only have a mirror in your bathroom? Do you really think a zoomed in photo of your pants is going to make my fanny flutter? The answer is no! I’m not 18 with my first camera phone thinking it’s a great idea to send out tit pictures because it might get a quick bit of action. I don’t want nudes, I won’t be sending you any and I sure as hell don’t want to be asked how often I masturbate at 8am when I’ve told you I’m on my way to a work meeting… Yes I’ve genuinely had that happen!

EVERY PHOTO IS A GROUP SHOT

Who the hell are you, because I think third from the left is super hot but knowing my luck you’ll be the troll standing next to him and I don’t think you’d appreciate me asking for your mates number because he’s the best looking of the bunch. Give us a clue as to who you are, throw in a solo photo or say which one you are in the line up, because most of the time it’s the exact same group of people in the array of photos so it’s not even like I can truly inspect and narrow it down.

ONE PHOTO OR NONE AT ALL

I’m not very photogenic so if I was to put one single photo up of me I’d probably be accused of cat fishing because I’d choose my hottest one. We’ve all got that one photo we run back to for comfort, where your hair was on point, the make up was just working, the angle and lighting was your best friend and the mirror wasn’t lying to you for once. I look like a potato in most of my pictures so I need some additional photos for comparison. And as for not having any photos at all, well no matter what anyone says whilst you can have the most amazing personality in the world if there’s no actual attraction then it’s not going to work and I haven’t experienced your personality on an app.

THE DAMN FISH PHOTO

I’m not talking about no pet fish, I’m talking about that damn photo where the guy is squatted down in the weeds, with his top off, and he’s holding up some giant fish like a bloody trophy. I’m not interested in fishing, and never will be, and there’s just something about that picture that just creeps me out. I mean it could be because my friend’s mate’s dad used to perv on her over Facebook messenger and that was what his profile picture was of.

WEAPONS

Why are you posing with weapons, are you some sort of American pro gun lunatic? I’m sure you’ll get a thumbs up from Trump but it’s an instant swipe left for me. There’s nothing sexy about a man with a weapon, it just tells me you have weapons in the house when we have a row and I get pretty feisty so I’m not risking that one! Also I’ve dated and been mugged off royally by an Army boy which fully put me off of that whole section, I don’t need no memories of that knob thank you very much.

SUNGLASSES

Please tell me it’s not just me that thinks the instant you put sunglasses on and take a photo it can make you look more attractive. I met up with a guy who had sunglasses on in all of his pictures and when we met up I didn’t recognise him at all, it’s basically another cat fishing trick as far as I’m concerned. What you hiding there mate, give us a peek behind the glasses!