Behind a smile hides a broken girl

No matter how strong someone can seem everyone has a breaking point and this year I hit mine for a multitude of reasons. I’m always the one telling people it helps to talk yet I’m also the first to clam and refuse to open up about everything I’m dealing with. I try to handle everything alone and don’t want to look weak but this time everything came to a head, it was too much and I completely and utterly broke down.

My blog and social media have always been true reflections of me and everything is written from the heart. You see all kinds of sides to me; the stroppy moments, the drunk idiot who thinks she’s a karaoke goddess, the banter queen, the controversial thoughts, the gushing over friends and fun days out, my joyous transport updates, and anything and everything in between.

So I come to you, internet friends and followers, the ones who have up to now not judged me. I hope you’re ready because I’m about to pour my heart out over everything that has got me to this point, in a hopefully cathartic way. I like to think I’ll be able to look back on this post in a few months as a happier, emotionally fixed smaller and stress free version of myself.

Let’s go back to May 2016 when I left my job as the Counter Manager of Bare Minerals, in the Debenhams store I had worked in for 6 years. I wanted to get back into admin and potentially move to working in London but I kept being told I didn’t have any recent experience to do so. My friend Aaron had just started a new job and they were hiring so he got me an interview. Now I will forever be grateful for working with Aaron because we would not be as close as we are had we not worked together and gone through that experience together but that’s where my good experiences with that job end.

We were treated horribly, both being made to watch other people do less work than us and yet be treated better. We would do our jobs and get called c**ts, yes I am being serious, our line manager called us both it. We both left after 6 months but the damage was done, we’d both been beaten down and took to drinking our troubles away and running off to all the different junk food outlets on lunch so we didn’t have to sit in the work building. The journey to this job was taking me an hour and a half there and back so I was getting home exhausted, both mentally and physically, and so all the work I’d been doing at the gym slipped to the wayside as I was just too tired to work out. Between the junk food, the alcohol, and the lack of exercise the weight gain began.

Now as I said we both thankfully found other jobs and left that awful place but now I was going to start a new job for the first time in 7 years where I knew no one. I was a tad emotionally battered from the previous office and going to a new job alone so as I’m being honest, I was scared and I can admit I did cry a few times in the first few weeks. It was really lonely to begin with and I had a terrible time with one of the managers who made it very clear she did not want me working there. Thankfully that is no longer an issue and I have met some lovely people.

Next came a crushing blow to me though, in the form of losing a really important friendship to me. I finally realised that the friend I had cared so much about and had always supported and stood by just didn’t feel the same about our friendship. He cared more about what other people thought of our friendship than the fact he had someone who was loyal, supportive, loving and like family. There comes a point when you can’t fight alone for two people but it doesn’t hurt any less. He truly showed just how little he cared because I have not heard from or seen him in months and that killed me. Everyone else could see it and to be honest I had started too but I just wanted him to prove everyone wrong and be the best friend he had been to me during the better times of our friendship.

When you lose someone so close to you, who was such an important part of your life it’s like going through a break up. At first I was desperate for an answer as to why he didn’t care, going through everything in my head that had lead to this moment. I went through the denial faze, reminding myself of all the good times we had shared and decided he would realise what he was missing and come back. I went through the anger faze, fuming that he could do this to me and decided all the nice things were clearly a load of shit and he didn’t deserve me as a friend anyway.

Mainly I just went through the broken stage, I couldn’t deal with the loss and it started impacting on my other friendships as the way I saw it was if he could happily walk away from me without a second glance then why wouldn’t everyone else. Small rows would escalate much bigger than they should have because I was convinced that that was it and another friendship would be over. You start to question yourself, what is so wrong with me that people don’t want to be my friend and I kept my other friends at arms lengths because I didn’t want to lose them too. Yet by pushing them away I was feeling more and more secluded and continued to eat and drink away my feelings.

During all of this just to make it that bit worse for me, one of my other best friends completely distanced herself from me, and our entire friendship circle but the way I was feeling I took it quite personally. Knowing how much I was hurting and struggling with what had happened I couldn’t believe she turned her back on me in that moment and it just killed me all over again. My drinking got completely out of hand because I found that when I was drunk I didn’t think about anything but then I would get too drunk that I would sob at whoever was unlucky enough to be stuck with me at that moment. I broke down at people who had never seen me cry before except for those stupid drunk moments where you have a little emosh moment but the next morning it’s laughed at and forgotten.

Thankfully throughout this all my friends were very patience with me and understood why I was behaving the way I was. I could have completely pushed away my entire world because I had let myself become far too attached to someone that didn’t deserve me, but they showed just how good they all are by still standing by me through it all. Although this was a really awful time for me it really did show me who my true friends were, who I could count on and who would be there for me if I needed them.

Also throughout all of this I have been back and forward with the doctors with my hayfever, sounds like a simple issue right? Not for me! Every year I go to the doctors about my hayfever, every year I try different remedies to sort and every year it seems to get that bit worse. This year I ended up in A&E hooked up to a nebuliser because my breathing had become such an issue that I had a panic attack genuinely thinking I was going to die because I couldn’t catch my breath and this was the only way they could get medicine into me. I went for numerous tests and finally I have been diagnosed with seasonal asthma, severe hayfever, and they have confirmed I have small lungs and a small airway which is why I struggle so much during the summer months. I have now been prescribed new inhalers, and had a special nasal spray and tablets put on repeat prescription so I should be able to control my breathing in the summer a lot better and not have the extreme reaction I did this year.

Whilst finally getting some form of diagnosis and having some amazing friends standing by me has stopped me from completely drowning in my own tears it hasn’t fixed anything. I’m now at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been and I struggle to feel confident in myself, something that has never really been an issue for me. I’ve also been feeling very insecure in the fact that my job is only a contracted agreement and so I have no future, no security and my life is on hold because of it. It all finally came to a head when I went to Germany with my mum and sister to visit my aunt and I completely broke down and sobbed at them because I just couldn’t deal with everything anymore. My family are known for holding everything in, not talking about problems and just blowing up so for me to reach that point I knew I had a real problem.

So what do you do when you finally hit rock bottom? You find a way out! I’m done feeling broken, I’m done feeling ugly, I’m done feeling fat, I’m done feeling unloved! I’m not saying it’s all going to change just because I’ve realised this but realising you have a problem is the only way to start working on fixing it. I started writing this post about 10 days ago and I have had moments since writing it that I’ve felt awful and I’ve even burst into tears once, the worst is when I’m sat alone and I start thinking, but I really do want to get past this and it will happen eventually. So what am I going to do to get back the confident, fun, sarcastic, sassy, prosecco loving, childlike, banter queen back?

First point of call is my fitness. Due to train station closures this week I’m staying with Charli and we decided to extend the time to two to three week and together we will be working out. We have Charlotte Crosby’s 3 Minute Belly and Bum Blitz DVDs, we will be going to the local swimming pool and using my fitness app. Once I’m back home I will be signing up to some classes with my friend Claire, we are currently looking into Pole Fitness courses as I mentioned in my 30 Before 30 post, as well as Strutology or any other fun class along those lines. I also have weights and workout equipment at home and it’s time for them to stop gathering dust and get some use.

Alongside this it’s time to focus on being more secure in life. I have a meeting on the 6th with my manager and I am hoping I will be told if I’m being made permanent or not. If I am then obviously this will be great as I enjoy my job and like the company I work for and it would take a big weight off my shoulders, but if not my last day will be November 1st and I need to start job hunting. My current position is quite rare in companies so if job hunting is the way forward I may look into moving to a completely new field and trying something new. It may mean dropping my wages but that would just push me to work harder and work my way up the career ladder.

And last but by no means least, I need to appreciate all the great people I do have in my life. I need to open up and speak to people when I’m feeling down. Stop letting it all build up and trust that I can speak out free of judgement or being seen as weak. Why have I spent all this time upset over someone who doesn’t care when I am surrounded by people who genuinely want to see me happy and love me for me.

I mean in the next three months I have all of this booked (so far) Pitch Perfect at Backyard Cinema, Kempton Park Ladies Day Races, two restaurant reviews, Crystal Palace football game and hotel stay, Bloggers Festival, Aaron’s 21st, Norwich Bloggers Trip, Sarah’s 21st, Halloween in Brighton, Steps and Vengaboys at The O2, and multiple dinner and cocktail nights with different people thrown in there too. Like seriously, how can I be sad when I have all these exciting plans with such amazing people.

And of course I will put as much time as I can into my blog. I have blogged for 7 years, it’s such a huge part of my life now and I am forever grateful for any opportunity I receive because of it, and I’m even more grateful for the people it has brought into my life. I can’t imagine not knowing some of you, from speaking to you every day, planning fun trips, calling you for boy advice, having the most amazing banter on Tinder Social, making me smile with just the smallest message, having our own hashtag, laughing till it hurts and celebrating huge life moments together, I have some amazing blogger friends (and non blog friends obvs) and I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world.

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  • Reply Louise Joy

    Sorry you’ve had such a hard time over the last few years but I know you’ll be fine – this post is you all over; honest but very positive. Never change! x

    August 31, 2017 at 6:27 pm
  • Reply Sarah Bailey

    Sending you big hugs what a hard time you have been through, but here’s to better moments, fun and laughter and all that is to come.

    September 1, 2017 at 12:05 pm
  • Reply Nichola - Globalmouse

    I’m so sorry it’s all been so difficult but you’ve got a really positive plan so good luck focussing on that. September is my month for getting back in shape, I think it’s a great time of year to refocus and reassess. All the very best with it.

    September 1, 2017 at 1:02 pm
  • Reply Jacinta

    Sorry you’ve been through a difficult time. I hope it gets better from here. All the best.

    September 1, 2017 at 10:05 pm
  • Reply jill conyers

    It’s true. Everyone has a breaking point especially when it’s a matter of the heart.

    September 2, 2017 at 10:07 am
  • Reply Joanna

    When life hits you the hardest it’s important to know that after each storm the sun comes out eventually. It might seem impossible at the time, but it will. And it all depends on your will power, by ignoring the negative and trying to do positive things.

    September 2, 2017 at 10:37 am
  • Reply Olivia Thristan

    I love this post, I relate to the friendship part on so many levels. It sucks when friends don’t give you the same support back that you give them.

    Keep going, you’ve got this! x

    September 2, 2017 at 1:20 pm
  • Reply Rhian Westbury

    I am so sorry that you’ve not had a good time lately but it’s good that you are making positive changes in your life x

    September 2, 2017 at 4:49 pm
  • Reply Super Busy Mum

    I am so sorry to hear you have been having such a hard time. September is a new month – shake August off and take it on focused and positive. Good luck!! x

    September 3, 2017 at 8:30 am
  • Reply Ashleigh

    You’ve had a really hard time over the last couple of years and I am so sorry. I hope things improve for you now x

    September 3, 2017 at 8:35 am
  • Reply Ana

    Wow there Tanya, I dunno why I got really emotional reading this, maybe it’s because you always seem so strong and then I forget that you are human and have your weak moments too, and that is totally okay and allowed! I’m here for you if you ever need a chat, or a whine or even a cry! The last few months seem to have been hectic and a nightmare beyond but I know how strong a person you are, and I know that all this makes you even stronger! The next stage/chapter of your life will be so amazing! I can’t wait to see what else you can achieve! I love you!

    September 3, 2017 at 9:37 am
  • Reply Jen Mellor

    You have been through so much but look at you now you have come out the other side with plans and I have no doubt you will succeed!

    September 3, 2017 at 6:24 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear you have been through a difficult time. Good luck with the meeting on the 6th I hope they make you permanent.

    September 3, 2017 at 7:53 pm
  • Reply Maria Kenny

    You have described a recipe for a meltdown, friends who let you down, lousy companies that treat staff badly, feeling nervous and lonely in a new job, too many negatives have tipped the scales and yet….you have come out with a plan, you are a survivor X

    September 3, 2017 at 10:15 pm
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